To be fully present for others in their final moments, we must first learn to be present for ourselves. As end of life practitioners, our work demands that we navigate the delicate balance between compassionate care and self-care.

As end of life guides, we stand at the crossroads of life and death, offering support through profound emotions, complex relationships, and the raw reality of mortality. Our work requires professional skills, immense emotional resilience, and a commitment to ongoing self-care. Each time we serve a client, we stand in the liminal, the threshold of life and death, offering comfort and guidance to a dying person and their loved ones. When we leave, our work isn’t complete. We’ve provided compassion and care for others. Now, we turn that compassion and care toward ourselves.

The Heart of Self Care

In this demanding and emotionally charged field, self-care isn’t just a luxury—it’s an absolute necessity. When prioritizing caring for ourselves, we protect against burnout and compassion fatigue. More importantly, we preserve our love of serving, our love of life, and our love of self. Tending to our own needs ensures we can remain present and compassionate, allowing us to continue our vital work as end of life caregivers.

But what does effective self-care look like for those who guide others through dying and grief? How can we nurture ourselves while witnessing one of life’s most profound transitions? In this article, we’ll explore essential self-care practices tailored for end of life practitioners, focusing on emotional awareness, a growth mindset, and the concept of “Turtle Time.”

Emotional Awareness for End of Life

In the world of end of life and death care, we’re constantly immersed in a sea of emotions—not only the emotions of our clients and their loved ones but also our own. The nature of our work allows us to witness the simultaneous presence of joy and sorrow, anger and forgiveness, hope and despair. We hold space for these emotions to merge, blur, and get muddled together without judgment or assignment of good or bad. 

The Power of ‘Both/And’ Thinking

One powerful concept in emotional awareness is “both/and” thinking. This approach allows us to hold and experience seemingly contradictory emotions simultaneously. For instance, you might feel deep sadness about a person’s death and relief that their suffering has ended. Both are valid and true and can coexist at the same time.

This understanding helps us remain grounded, offer nonjudgmental support, and truly be present with others as they face some of the most profound experiences of their lives. But to do this effectively, we must first tend to our emotional well-being, ensuring that we have the resilience and inner peace needed to support others without losing ourselves. This means tuning in to our emotional landscape.

Nurturing Yourself

Regular check-ins – Set aside time daily to reflect on your emotional state. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?”

Mindfulness practices – Incorporate meditation or deep breathing exercises into your routine. Even five minutes a day can make a difference.

Body mapping – Identify where you feel certain emotions in your body to increase your awareness. Do you feel anxiety in your stomach? Sadness in your chest?

Seek support – Discuss your feelings with colleagues, a mentor, or a therapist who understands the unique challenges of end of life care.

Remember, tending to your emotions isn’t about eliminating certain feelings or emotions. It’s also not about building walls around your heart or tuning out. It’s about navigating the depths of your emotions with grace, patience, and love. Cultivating a growth mindset is an invaluable asset in this journey.

Nurturing A Growth Mindset

A growth mindset, coined by psychologist Carol Dweck, is the belief that our abilities, intelligence, and understanding can develop and improve over time through dedication and becoming curious. A growth mindset allows us to approach each situation with openness and curiosity rather than feeling defeated by obstacles or fixed in our ways of thinking. It encourages us to see challenges as opportunities for learning and growth rather than insurmountable problems. 

Applying a Growth Mindset to End of Life

For instance, when faced with a complicated situation or a personal emotional charge, instead of shutting down or feeling inadequate, a growth mindset helps us to ask: What can I learn from this? How can I grow through this experience? 

Adapting, learning from our experiences, and continually evolving our approach helps us maintain the emotional stamina required. A growth mindset is about embracing the idea that we are always students of life, learning from every encounter, every story, and every moment of silence. This helps us nurture compassion and grace for ourselves. We acknowledge we don’t have to have all the answers or that we are perfect in our role as end of life practitioners.

Growing Your Mindset

Embrace challenges as learning opportunities – Ask yourself what you can learn from the experience and how it can help you improve your skills and understanding. This shift in perspective helps you approach challenges with curiosity and resilience.

Practice self-reflection regularly – Reflect on your experiences through writing, art, or talking with someone you trust. Writing helps you see your progress over time.

Seek feedback and be open to it – This may help you identify things you aren’t aware of and areas for improvement. Use feedback as a tool for growth, not personal critique, and embrace it with an open mind.

Start using “yet” – When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good at this,” add the word “yet” to the end of the sentence. This simple change in language reinforces the idea that your abilities are not fixed but in progress.

Living on Turtle Time

One of my personal mottos is “Turtle Time.” I created this motto when I transitioned from working as a chaplain in a long-term care home to a level 1 trauma hospital. The pace of my work was drastically different, and even though I would physically race from one wing of the hospital to the next, I had to create a motto for my mind and heart to be on “Turtle Time.”

The Challenge of Slowing Down

Slowing down can be really hard for some people, and it’s important to acknowledge that. In America, we live in a culture where speed and efficiency are created to be valuable assets. We’re often praised for how quickly we can complete tasks or how much we can accomplish in a short amount of time. But in the world of end of life care, this relentless focus on speed is counterproductive. When caring for the dying and bereaved, the most valuable asset we have is the spaciousness of nonlinear time. This is also true for ourselves. The most valuable thing we can offer is our full presence, and this is something that can’t be rushed.

Embracing Turtle Time at End of Life

Turtle Time is a gentle reminder that our work requires patience, presence, and a deep connection to the moment.  So does our self-care. The true essence of self-care is creating space for deep listening, truly witnessing ourselves, and inviting the natural flow of emotions to unfold without rushing anything. This helps us stay connected to the present moment and honors the sacredness of our work. Turtle Time invites us to reclaim the power of stillness and intention while recognizing that the most meaningful care often happens in the quiet spaces between words and actions.

Nurturing Yourself to Serve Others

The nature of end of life work requires us to invest a great deal of our emotional and spiritual energy. Self-care is not a luxury; it is an ethical imperative. If you are currently working in deathcare or want to become an end of life guide, it is critical to understand the importance of allocating time in your life for activities that bring you joy and rejuvenate your spirit. It can be done, and I say this as a highly sensitive person who has walked the walk. 

Reflection and Integration of Self Care Practices

Please take a moment today, right now, to reflect on your self-care practices. Ask yourself: Are you giving yourself the space and time to be with your emotions? Are you embracing challenges with a growth mindset? Are you allowing yourself to slow down and be fully present?

Consider integrating the practices I’ve offered into your daily routine. Whether it’s setting aside time for a mindful check-in, journaling your experiences, or simply taking a deep breath and reminding yourself to live on Turtle Time, every small step you take toward nurturing yourself is a step toward becoming a more effective and compassionate guide for others.

Remember, the care you give to yourself is as critical as the care you offer to others as a compassionate end of life guide. For those interested in expanding their self-care practices, I invite you to join my monthly Yoga Nidra offering. During these healing experiences, you will be guided into a state of consciousness for deep rest, awareness, and presence.

Your work as an end of life guide is invaluable, and so are you. By prioritizing your self-care, you ensure you can continue to shine your light and bring comfort to the people you get to serve. Take care of yourself so you can continue to care for others.

Grace & Peace,
Rhea Mader, CT
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